


Lights out, lights out

by Valkrist (Anouk_Tyrell)



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Sex, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychology, Shell Shock, everything from pre canon till s5 and maybe also stuff that might happen afterwards, might count as a kind of character study later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:47:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26161372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anouk_Tyrell/pseuds/Valkrist
Summary: The bodies sitting in the darkMuffled cries and frightening screamsSome rumors spreading in the hallsBut there is nothing more to hear(Moodboard added)
Relationships: (minor relationship), Greta Jurossi/Tommy Shelby, Tommy Shelby/Barney Thompson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my friends!
> 
> Normally this is a point at which I say something happy, something weird about what made me write this story or so ... but it‘s not only about this now.  
> It‘s my interest in writing something that is closer to canon again, "Innocence Was Here" by Annisokay being a song that somehow makes me feel the atmosphere.  
> This time I don‘t really know what to say to be honest. I have no idea where exactly this will be going, only having done some research on psychological topics that I wanna include (hopefully as correct as possible, it means a lot to me cause we‘re talking about real problems here...) and how long this journey will take me, but yeah, I would be happy if you wanna be part of it too <3
> 
> I don‘t even know if enjoy is the right, but yeah ... read it and maybe even like it, think about stuff, whatever :)

_No names etched in the padded cell wall_

_Forgetting is easier for the soul_

_Dividing the living and the insane_

_Only some people in between_

_The bodies sitting in the dark_

_Muffled cries and frightening screams_

_Some rumors spreading in the halls_

_But there is nothing more to hear_

_Some people lucky enough to walk around_

_Seeing the misery, filled with dirt_

_Despising the men on the other side_

_But also those who are on the same_

_A never-ending vicious cycle_

_People come and people go_

_Saints and sinners getting the same_

_Why does it have to be this way_

_Some sit there forging out some plans_

_The others gave up hope long ago_

_The good and the bad awake and asleep_

_Frightening nights and soothing storms_

_No missing evidence to let some people go_

_Money and weapons going around_

_Reasons don’t matter after all_

_Need something stable to rely on_

_Some people get what they deserve_

_The others pay some others’ debts_

_That is the violence of the world_

_Between the lies the guiltless sheep_

_The rules aren’t lovely fantasies_

_Not all of them meant to be broken_

_As the lights go out the chaos begins_

_The minds and bodies caged at once_

_But sometimes different worlds are touching_

_Walls are broken and people freed_

_Trying to get all out of it_

_Until a new world is coming and reigns_


	2. Some long-ago life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Barney are still young when they witness serious happenings

“Ouch, this hurts.“ - “Sorry.“

Tommy screw up his face at the words. Didn’t need to have long hair to imagine how unpleasant it was, Ada’s hair still too snarled for it. But they both knew that someone had to comb it and Ada loved it when Tommy was doing it for her. She always said that he was especially good at that, way better than the others, somehow making a tradition out of it. Tommy would do it every morning before breakfast to make Ada feel somehow beautiful, prepared for the day simply confident.

Ada smiled as Tommy braided her hair, dividing it into three sections before crossing them. A simple pattern, always repeating the same movements until he was ready. Sometimes he would even hum while doing it, some melodies he came up with spontaneously - and on Ada’s birthday he would even find a colorful flower to add to the hairstyle, saying that it was her day and she deserved to look even more beautiful than always.

It was the best thing he could afford, the loveliest self-made present he could come up with, better than just bread and lard. Ada deserved so much more than just a minimum to survive, didn’t she? They all did, so Tommy would keep doing his best. Would find a way to make it all work.

_Get him away from here. That man has friends._ He could still remember it, never would forget how fucked up the world actually was. The people had pulled him away from the drunk, had stopped him from beating him, just because he _had friends_ and Tommy was too young to do something or however they would call it. Had forgotten about the horses who never lied, about this beauty the man abused. Tommy couldn’t understand how the man could treat it that way even while being drunk, the chestnut coat to precious and eyes full of fear.

But he would find people who thought the same, who actually wanted to change something and waited for days of equality. It couldn’t be that it was his origin that made Tommy different from the others, could it? He hadn’t been able to believe it when Polly told him, probably realizing that she couldn’t fool him with a nice answer. Even if Tommy wasn’t able to understand _why_ some people did the things they did, at least he understood _what_ they thought now.

He kept thinking about it the whole day, even when the cold water enveloped him. Tommy was the first to jump into the canal, Freddie following his example after a second. They would see if they could swim across it, one of the best things to do these days. Not quite the most interesting challenge to come up with, Tommy would surely say some years later, but they liked it in this very moment. Enjoyed this funny things for a change, better than repeating the same movements day after day.

It was relaxing to be surrounded by the wetness, some coordinated movements enough to be further away from Freddie, some more to get closer to the other side. It seemed to work better and better every time, speed increasing, obstacles not a problem anymore. If Polly knew she surely would’ve said that they were just growing and had better chances now, but Tommy loved to believe that they were just getting stronger by practice. There was nothing they couldn’t work on, eh?

But Polly didn’t know about it, so she never said it. Tommy wasn’t sure what she thought when he came back home, hair still wet, clothes soaked even if it wasn’t raining, but she never asked questions. Didn’t care or didn’t notice it, it was hard to say, but it wasn’t a problem as long as she didn’t beat him with a fry pan like mum had. There were better memories for sure, the lovely white pony she rode on, looking so beautifully free that Tommy wanted to be like her, radiating the same warmth and independence. Should’ve asked Arthur to draw a picture of her then, he was good at it, would’ve made it look beautifully realistic.

Sometimes Freddie and he would simply lay on the water, arms and legs outstretched, talking about people who made their lives more difficult. Horrible teachers who didn’t know what to do, other kids who thought that they were better than them. Nothing new, same story repeating again and again. Maybe the world was meant to be like that, circuits filling everything with their regularities.

It seemed as if it would always be the same things awaiting him. When he went to school, when he came back home, when he did something with Freddie. It could get boring, without a doubt, but maybe there was also something good about it? He had a lovely family, after all, didn’t have to feel alone with all the siblings around him. Arthur had carried him on a back when they had been pretty young, Ada always found the right words to make him smile again and Finn was the cutest tiny addition to the family one could imagine.

Maybe Tommy didn’t even have to change things, at least not now. Maybe for once simply living would be enough.

***

“Wait!“

Sometimes Barney couldn’t say if Emely was smart or simply reckless. There were moments in which he admired her, realizing that he hadn’t come up with the same ideas when he had been as young as her, but in others he simply didn’t know what to do as her older brother. She wasn’t an easy sibling to handle, but he was the one who had take care of her. Usually she was relatively nice, at least trying not to make Barney’s live hard, but when her inner devil came out…

There was a difference between wooden guns and real ones, any child can tell you that, but somehow Emely didn’t seem to get that. If mother would find out… it was one thing when the little girl stole biscuits, simply not caring about a fair share, but guns were dangerous. They could _kill_ people, make them stop moving within a second. Barney had only heard about it, maybe witnessed something once, but somehow he was lucky, not facing the things when they happened. Stood there with his back to the bad events without even planning to do so, only the sounds of the shots in his ear. Enough to make him feel the importance of it all yet prevent his innocent eyes from seeing horrible things he probably wasn’t ready for yet.

It would’ve been so much easier if Emely simply liked rocking horses or dolls, something other girls of her age did, but she had never loved to be ordinary. Seemed to hate the idea of matching with the circumstances when there weren’t too many authorities around, pretending to be perfect at school but letting Barney feel all her moments when she broke free. Oh, why did it have to be that hard.

Barney didn’t even want to know how on earth she had found the gun. Must have been their father’s one, the place where it was hidden a well-kept secret even Barney didn’t know, but somehow Emely had found it nevertheless. Couldn’t have been an accident, but Barney also couldn’t imagine her looking for it the whole time, shelf after shelf, and finding it in the end. Seemed to be too absurd, such a coincidence.

Barney’s hands started shaking when he only imagined what could happen with this gun in Emely’s hand. Still couldn’t catch her, she was way too fast. He wondered if she was making fun of him, knowing that he was already tired from the last hours. Had worked hard, not like her, so it wasn’t surprising that he couldn’t outrun her, bringing this whole thing to an end.

Sometimes this thoughts kept him up all night, combined with some fears about what was to come. He didn’t want to follow in his parents’ footsteps or those of others, becoming a factory worker or fisherman or farmer and whatever else there was. He would have to, though, wouldn’t he? Being a doctor seemed to be out of reach, he could never live up to something of that kind. But what about doing something in the garden and having beautiful flowers around? Sounded better than mud and smoke. Or maybe becoming a teacher might be nice, too? Knowing many things and letting others know about them, it sounded good. Barney had always appreciated this gift, wanting to be that wise, too. Already wasn’t bad at memorizing facts, maybe it wasn’t that impossible, after all? Mum had told him of some people who had achieved wonderful things because of their passion, maybe one day he could be one of them, too? Maybe he only had to stay the way he was, being a friendly fella others could talk to when there were problems, someone people could trust. He wanted to be that person, definitely, it made his lips curl into a smile. What if the others were wrong and he could be it all at the same time? Being a doctor _and_ a teacher, wouldn’t this be perfect? Teaching and saving lives, a perfect combination.

Barney nearly face-planted on the muddy ground as he turned the corner, skidding for a second as he kept running. Didn’t need this stitches in the side he slowly started to perceive, pain getting worse with every second. Would’ve stopped if it weren’t for Emely, but this needed to be done. He knew more about guns than he wanted to, and one of the facts was that the one Emely held was surely loaded. One wrong move might be enough to take away hopes and scare people forever, even if Emely didn’t want this to happen. It was just a game to her, taking something to play with, something that was cooler than the wood, and not giving it back.

Barney couldn’t say if it were his fears that unleashed a strength he hadn’t known even existed deep inside of him, but it made him run faster, overcoming the distance between them. Ignored the people and niff around him, everything like silhouettes in the corner of his eye, even the big, black horse that wasn’t sure whether to panic or not. After less than a minute he found himself close enough to Emely, fingers wrapping around her wrist to stop her. She hadn’t turned around, probably not expecting that this might happen. Made it easier to take the gun away from her before she could protest, letting it disappear behind his back.

“What was that about, eh?“

***

Tommy held Greta’s hand as she lay on the bed, weak smile on her lips.

He knew that she tried to look strong but it wasn’t much more than a way to make them all believe, a way to make her beloved ones smile again. She was skilled, Tommy had even believed her first, but he couldn’t keep doing it after so many weeks, looking into her eyes and realizing that her face was sunken. She still looked beautiful, without a doubt, but it was hard not cry when her vigor seemed to flow out of her body.

It seemed to be a miracle that she was still alive, kept living for Kitty and him and all the others. Was hard not to cry when he remembered all the moments, the time they had spent together. It would forever remain their secret, the way they waited for each other next to the canal for hours. Such a good place to hide from the others, having some time just for themselves. Nobody would blame them for their talks, lovely kisses and touches as Tommy’s hands wandered down Greta’s body.

Somehow it had all started like a beautiful dream, their two souls finding each other, having the same point of view. Socialism, workers’ rights, it sounded like the right thing to stand for. Better ideals than those before, ancestors or irrational ideas deciding over peoples faiths. Tommy hadn’t thought he would find an ally in this lovely yet slightly shy girl, but as she opened up he started to wonder how he had come up with this prejudice.

She was the one who let him talk about his ideas, added her own to make him see the light and made him feel as if he arrived, in a way. Greta gave Tommy hope, his stomach filled with warmth as their lips met the first time. A clandestine thing, even Ada who was the first one to know finding it out only some weeks later. There was no need to tell the others about it, this moments when the two of them could only be Tommy and Greta, loving each other, meaning much more than anything else.

Her parents hadn’t approved of him - a _Watery Lane Gypsy_ \- first, he still couldn’t say how exactly he had won them over. But now they let him sit there, days becoming weeks and weeks becoming months, cherishing every second Greta smiled. Smiles were beautiful, so much better than seeing her contort her face with pain. “It hurts“, she sometimes dared to say, Tommy keeping holding her hand and pressing his lips to her temple. “It’s gonna be alright.“

Tommy knew that it was a lie, that he should be honest, but wasn’t it all for her benefit? It would help her, having this hope while he gave her another cup of water to drink from or tried his luck with cold water and a cloth. It didn’t seem to break the fever, he had to admit, but maybe it would just need some time? At least she moved, able to drink without Tommy’s help. She would’ve done it for her, of course, bringing the cup to her lips, but he was glad that she could still wrap her fingers around it, taking another sip as Tommy stroked her back. “Thanks, Tommy.“

What was rather worrying was that she didn’t eat that much anymore. Wherever her appetite had gone, nothing really seemed to get her attention anymore, no matter if it was bread and lard or something rather exclusive Tommy managed to sneak in. One of this fucking coconuts again, way too adorable and she deserved it, but it didn’t help. She had only laughed, pleasant sounds turning into a cough again.

Tommy lay down next to her that night, an arm wrapped around her as she couldn’t keep still, freezing from time to time. It was an up and down, keeping her warm and helping her change clothes when she sweated too much. Tommy would always give her something else to wear, not needing to look away as she undressed, way skinnier than she had been before all the symptoms started to break out. She could still hide it while wearing something, as long as nobody touched her, but being that naked meant letting all the masks fall, revealing her real condition.

Tommy would kiss her neck when she let him, bring her some flowers to cheer her up. Even if they probably wouldn’t be able to go to Blackpool beach again, it didn’t mean that couldn’t do anything for her. There were still beautiful memories to talk about while he rubbed her back or simply pulled her close, Greta’s bare feet touching the floor as she laughed. She would still dug her fingers into his shirt, fumble with the buttons when she had an especially strong and playful day. Sometimes this mood would lull Tommy, make him believe before he woke up the next day and realized that it would never be that easy.

But even if it wouldn’t, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t keep her alive, eh? She was a flower in the dirt, deserved the love he was willing to give her. She still remembered, the photo they had taken in Blackpool framed and standing on the table next to her. _Wild Rovers beside the seaside._

As Tommy opened his eyes after waking up from his nap he realized that Greta’s chest wasn’t rising and falling anymore. They wouldn’t be able to live their dream together anymore, wouldn’t laugh as they locked their lips. Some tears ran down Tommy’s face as he closed her eyes, one last kiss on her forehead before he stood up.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @valkrist


End file.
